My Husband’s Daughter Must Follow My Rules If She Wants to Live With Us

Sarah never expected to find herself in this situation, but she’s seeking guidance. Feeling like the villain in her own home, she’s uncertain if her actions are justified and reached out to our team for advice.

Here’s her story.

Sarah has set some guidelines for her stepdaughter to ensure a positive home environment. She is married to Mark, an exceptional man who has a 16-year-old daughter named Emma from a previous marriage. Emma has been living with them full-time for the past six months. Sarah hoped to build a closer relationship with Emma, but things haven’t gone as smoothly as she’d hoped. Emma, a bright and determined teenager, and Sarah have clashed over several issues, mostly concerning household rules.

Sarah explains, “From the start, I established some standards for our home. I believe that having clear rules and a structured environment will help everyone live together more harmoniously.”

Here are the rules:

1. Chores: Everyone has responsibilities. Emma’s tasks include keeping her room clean, doing her laundry, and helping with dishes and trash.
2. Curfew: Bedtime is at 10 PM on school nights. On weekends, she can stay up until midnight, but no later.
3. Screen Time: No phones or laptops at the dinner table, and a maximum of two hours of recreational screen time on school nights.
4. Respectful Communication: Shouting, name-calling, and disrespectful language are not tolerated in the house.

Emma had never been required to follow any rules while living with her mother. Used to a more relaxed atmosphere at her mother’s house, she resented Sarah’s regulations from the start. Initially, the issues were minor, such as leaving dirty dishes in the sink or neglecting her chores. Despite Sarah’s efforts to address these problems calmly and emphasize the importance of these rules for everyone’s well-being, Emma’s compliance remained minimal.

The real problems began with the curfew. Emma often stayed up past midnight on school nights, texting or browsing social media, which negatively affected her mood and academic performance. When Sarah tried to enforce the 10 p.m. bedtime, Emma protested, arguing that all her friends stayed up later and that the rule was unfair.

Tensions also arose with the screen time rules. Sarah explains, “Emma was constantly on her phone. Despite numerous requests to put it away, she continued to bring it to the dinner table. One evening, I firmly asked her to put her phone down during supper, and she exploded, shouting, ‘You’re not my mother! You cannot tell me what to do!’”

For Sarah, this outburst was a breaking point. She felt disrespected and undermined. She discussed the situation with Mark, but he was torn. While he didn’t like seeing Emma upset, he also recognized the importance of the rules. However, his tendency to side with Emma made it difficult for Sarah to enforce the rules consistently.

Faced with this ongoing conflict, Sarah decided to give Emma an ultimatum.

Sarah and Emma sat down one evening after another clash over chores and curfew. Sarah made it clear, calmly but firmly, that the rules were non-negotiable. If Emma couldn’t follow them, they would need to reconsider her living arrangement. Emma frowned and retorted, “Fine, maybe I should just go back to Mom’s then!”

Sarah didn’t want it to come to this, but she couldn’t continue in a home where rules were constantly broken. She suggested that Emma spend more time with her mother until they could all figure things out.

Emma made a swift decision. That night, she packed her bags and moved in with her mother. Despite attempts to contact her through her mother, Emma refused to speak with Sarah, insisting that returning was not an option.

Emma’s mother was also unhappy about the situation, arguing that a new arrangement needed to be made since Sarah couldn’t ensure her daughter’s safety. Mark was distressed, caught between his wife and his daughter.

Sarah now feels uncertain and lost. Mark has accused her of being too harsh, which has left her feeling both guilty and relieved, as the ongoing stress had become overwhelming.

Sarah is now reflecting on whether she made the right choice. She desires a positive relationship with Emma but also values structure and respect in their home. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you balance enforcing rules while maintaining a positive connection with stepchildren?