My Husband Can’t Handle How Long I Spend in the Shower—So He Picks the Lock

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it erodes, even simple things like taking a shower can turn into a source of conflict. One of our readers recently shared her troubling experience of how her husband’s jealousy and controlling behavior have turned her private moments into battles. What should be a peaceful retreat is now tainted by suspicion and fear.

Here’s her message:

“My husband won’t let me spend much time in the bathroom. He claims ‘normal’ people only need 10-15 minutes. If I take longer, he accuses me of using the time to text or call other men. Sometimes, he stands by the door, listening to every sound. If he doesn’t like what he hears, he starts banging on the door, demanding to know what I’m doing. One day, after a particularly stressful day at work, I spent about half an hour in the shower to relax. He screamed, ‘What’s taking you so long?’ I told him I was almost done, but he didn’t believe me. He started picking the lock. What happened next shocked me—he barged in with his phone, recording. Luckily, I was already dressed. He said he wanted to catch me cheating and planned to use the video as evidence. I’m at my wit’s end! How do I explain to him that this is not normal behavior?”

First, we want to thank you for sharing your story. We’re deeply sorry that you’re experiencing this, and we’d like to offer a few suggestions that may help you navigate this situation:

1. Set Clear Boundaries

It’s essential to communicate that this behavior is unacceptable. Everyone deserves personal space and privacy, and having that invaded is not something you should tolerate. Have a direct conversation with your husband, explaining that if he can’t respect these basic boundaries, the relationship will suffer. Make it clear that if he continues to behave this way, you may have to reconsider whether this relationship is healthy for you. Mentioning divorce may sound extreme, but it’s important he understands how serious this issue is.

2. Address the Root Cause of His Distrust

His actions stem from a deep lack of trust. This needs to be addressed head-on. Ask him why he feels the need to monitor you or assume the worst every time you take a little time for yourself. While reassurance can sometimes help, it’s important to clarify that baseless accusations and surveillance aren’t ways to build trust. Consider couples therapy as an option to get to the bottom of these trust issues if they are deeply rooted.

3. Recognize the Red Flags

It’s important to recognize that this goes beyond insecurity—it’s toxic behavior. Accusing you without reason, controlling your time, and invading your privacy are all serious red flags. This is not just about trust; it’s about control. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home. If you find that this relationship is causing more harm than happiness, it may be time to consider your options.

4. Document Everything

In case things escalate, it’s crucial to document these incidents. Keep a written record of the dates and details of what happens. This can be essential if you need to seek outside help later on. If his behavior becomes aggressive or threatening, don’t hesitate to take more serious action, including calling the police. Your safety is the priority.

No one should have to live under constant suspicion and control. Relationships should be built on trust, respect, and communication. If any of those elements are missing, it may be time to take a step back and assess what’s really going on. Your well-being comes first, always.