My Wife Refuses to Wash Dirty Dishes, Opting to Buy New Ones Instead, and It’s Driving Me Crazy

I (28M) have been married to my wife (30F) for two years, and we’ve been together for five. We were planning to start trying for a baby, but those plans are now on hold and may not happen at all. Both my wife and I work full-time, earning roughly the same salary and working similar hours.

We used to have a chore system where we played rock-paper-scissors to schedule our days off. The distribution of chores seemed fair, though my wife ended up with more dishwashing duties, while I handled most, if not all, of the laundry.

My wife absolutely despises doing dishes. She despises it so much that she occasionally shuts down and cries when she sees a sink full of them. In the past, when I noticed her in tears, I would step in to help, switch chores for the day, calm her down, and everything would be okay.

But as I did this, I realized she was crying on purpose so I would wash the dishes. I knew she was faking it because the moment I took over, her tears dried up and she’d immediately start doing something she enjoyed, laughing and smiling without a care in the world. There was no need for her to wind down like before.

So, we changed our dishwashing system to “whoever makes the dish washes it,” with the exception of cooking. The cook didn’t have to wash the pots and pans since they did all the work for supper. This was her recommendation, and I agreed.

This worked for a while, but then I noticed my wife was making a lot more dishes than me and avoiding washing them. One day, after I made dinner at her request, I asked when she planned to wash the dishes. She blew up at me. I left the dishes as they were. The next day, she asked why the dishes weren’t done, and I told her it was because she hadn’t done them. This led to a fight, and I ended up washing the dishes, but I was very unhappy.

I do most, if not all, of the laundry because she refuses to do it anymore, and I hate wearing unclean clothes. The only thing she needs to do is place her clothes in the basket. We have separate baskets for darks, colors, and whites. She insists on having her own basket for underwear and other items, which I hand wash.

However, she has stopped placing her clothes in the basket. Initially, I picked up her clothes and washed them, thinking it was no big deal. But when I saw her deliberately leaving her clothes on the floor because “I always pick them up,” I decided to stop. When she asked why her clothes weren’t done, I told her it was because she hadn’t put them away. She blew up at me, and it was the same story again.

Recently, all this tension came to a head with our constant fighting. My wife has been getting lazier and lazier to push back against our arguments. Initially, I was doing all her chores on top of working, but I had a moment of clarity: “Why am I even doing this?” So, I stopped. The dishes piled up, her clothes remained dirty, and crumbs were everywhere on her days. On my days, everything was spick and span.

She decided to start buying more dishes and clothes instead of doing her part. I can’t express how frustrated this made me. She was buying plastic spoons and forks, paper plates, Walmart t-shirts, and other cheap alternatives to the nice ones we already had. I started tossing them out.

When she noticed I was tossing her cheap alternatives, she blew up at me again. For the first time since we’ve been together, I raised my voice. I’m a big man with a deep voice, and this scared her, which I regretted immediately.

I quickly lowered my tone and told her she wasn’t doing her part and was wasting money buying useless things when all she needed to do was clean up after herself and put her clothes in a basket. She cried, and despite my numerous apologies, she said she doesn’t feel safe with me and that maybe we’re better off divorcing. This shattered me.

The yelling was accidental. Nobody wants to hear the whole story, which makes me feel isolated and a little crazy. My female friends are either staying out of it or supporting her. I’ve been losing friendships, and I feel like a jerk right now.

Was I wrong? All I wanted was for her to pick up after herself. I had never hurt her, and I had never yelled at her before, which I regret deeply. I didn’t mean to terrify her; I was simply so upset because this had been building up for months. I understand that throwing away the disposables was probably immature and that I should have just cleaned up after her, but I was frustrated.